Paul the Psychic Octopus: HE’S STILL ALIVE!

I do not mean to alarm you, but we are all in great danger. A few days ago, the planet lost its only proven psychic being, known to us as as Paul the Psychic Octopus. Or at least that’s what the critics may say…

While there is already talk of the world-wide World Cup conspiracy to murder the psychic being, the general public has yet to realise that Paul is still very much with us. I’ll let you in on a little secret. By that, I mean I present you with INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF that the two year-old cephalopod is none other than the very star-spawn of the destroyer Cthulhu!

Just in case you can't tell the difference, that's Cthulhu on the left, and Paul on the right.

Firstly, a little background. Paul, the ‘psychic octopus’ successfully predicted the outcome of all seven of Germany’s World Cup games, and also the outcome of the world World Cup final. Like many others, I was unwavering in my belief that there was always more to this magical sea creature than meets the eye.

Who is Cthulhu? I am aware that many of you may not know of the works of divine prophet and ‘science-fiction author’ H.P. Lovecraft. Essentially, Cthulhu is a land-faring, giant octopus type creature, who has the power to raze the earth of human life if and when he sees fit. Lovecraft knew the truth, and saw this coming. For more proof, look no further than the Cult of Cthulhu, which dedicates itself to prophesising Cthulhu’s return to this world, and its inevitable destruction.

Cthulhu currently lies dormant in the underwater city of R’lyeh, waiting for the correct time to strike. The trigger for this reawakening is unknown, whether it be World War Three, or simply an over-abundance of Boris Bikes. Suffice to say, we should all be very careful about everything from not relieving yourself in the sea, to doing everything we can to fight global warming, lest we disturb this mighty beast from his slumber. Still, I’m straying from the point, and this is all (pretty much) common knowledge anyway.

Anyone with even the slightest bit of knowledge of Lovecraft’s prophecies could easily see that ‘Paul’ was star-spawn; a child of Cthulhu, who simply got caught in the act. Appearing on earth from the farthest gulfs of space, star-spawn like Paul helped Cthulhu construct R’lyeh, before leaving their underwater sanctuary to exist amongst humans. Sure, Paul was somewhat foolish to remain in his original form, as it is widely documented that star-spawn possess transformative powers, but it is very unlikely that Paul met his end as a result of old age. By my reasoning, in an attempt to escape the limelight and prevent anyone from discovering his true identity, PAUL STAGED HIS OWN DEATH. I have no doubt that he is very much alive, either having transformed himself into something less conspicuous, or travelling to R’lyeh to await Cthulhu’s awakening with his star-spawn brethren.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE ‘PAUL’. Star-spawn may be only a fraction of the size of Cthulhu, but possess equivalent powers. They are highly dangerous, and can shape-shift at will. It is of the utmost importance that you remain vigilant, for Paul could be anywhere, or anything right now.

It doesn’t have to be this way, however! Spread the word about Paul, so the truth can be known. If we band together, we can surely find him, and stop him from reaching R’lyeh, which may cause unmentionable destruction if he manages to wake Cthulhu. WE CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Alert your friends and family to the situation, and get the word out there. It is only with your cooperation that we can save humanity.

Go well, and be strong, for the end may well be near.


World Cup 2010: What’s the cost of England winning? England Promotions Galore.

The time has come around for football’s finest to battle it out, this year in South Africa, for the World Cup. England and the USA are set to duke it out in a matter of hours. My question? What’s the true price of England winning the World Cup?

I mean this, of course, not from a social perspective. An England win would be great. People would jump up and down, be merry, and hug each other, if only for one day. No, I’m considering things from a corporate perspective, since there are a great many companies banking on England losing, by offering ridiculous promotions, and your money back if England do emerge victorious.

My good friend, and political blogger extraordinaire, Byrnsweord has already documented the fields of tat that have emerged as a result of the furore surrounding the World Cup, but what would a World Cup win mean for corporations?

I’m sure you’ve heard all about Toshiba’s amazing and note-worthy sponsorship of our team, to the extent where they’ll refund all your money from certain TV and laptop purchases, which is only testament to their faith in the England squad.

Similar to this, until a few days ago, Currys offered a promotion for where every goal England scores, you’ll get £10 back on the price of any recent purchase. O2 have also adopted a similar promotion, where you’ll be rewarded with £5 in cash for every goal England score, when you order one of their special ‘World Cup’ SIM cards, and top it up with the princely sum of £15; assumingly so you’ll have enough credit to text your buddies inane ramblings during the England match later on.

World Cup promotions banking (or gambling, depending on how you look at it) on England’s World Cup success are numerous, with even companies like TomTom jumping on the bandwagon; assumingly, so you can drive yourself to Pizza Hut/the pub/off a cliff, given the outcome of tonight’s match. What kind of message does this send out, though? One needs to consider the demographic these promotions are aimed at. I’m not going to make generalisations, because I hate them, but suffice to say, I think it’s clear to see they’re primarily targeted at football fans, by companies hoping for some easy money.

How do these fans perceive such deals? Fans, please do comment, as I’d be delighted to hear from you, not being a fan of the sport myself. As an outsider looking in, so to speak, they look like a bit like an insult, and another nail in the coffin for England’s history of (correct me if I’m wrong) disappointing World Cup losses.

Whatever your opinion, I’d hate to be Toshiba if England do win. Could a cup win for England bankrupt them? It’s a possibility. It’s my humble opinion, however, that corporations should stay away from such games. If you want to support our national team, by all means, go ahead. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the help. Gambling on their failure is not cool under any circumstances, however, especially when it’s their purported sponsors who are doing so.